my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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