Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
