i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I need a beard to bite.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
