LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
