just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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