All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize