we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
