Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
