i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
