Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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