We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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