don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
