oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
