I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize