Betty ford says i'm here all night
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
