the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
