3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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