How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
May the power of my ass compel you!!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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