I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize