Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
