my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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