im having a threesome with these popsicles
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
