Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
