Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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