Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
