i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
