And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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