I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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