I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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