babies were throwing up all over the place
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize