Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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