i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
