I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
