thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
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