I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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