the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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