they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
