his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
