Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
