My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
