He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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