My pussy is not your playground.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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