Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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