i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
