Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize