at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
