My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
