I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize