All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
