beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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