I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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