apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
