i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
