so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
