I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
