You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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