I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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