Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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