I accidentally had phone sex last night
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm sobbing to NWA
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
