How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
