i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
