my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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