I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
