Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
