Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
