last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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